Well, there's a little tale to come, but first a poem:
bumble bee draped, honey bee draped
blue lavender's mammoth blossom fest
A certain resistance to life happens sometimes. Things just feel too much to keep on pushing or pulling or fumbling over what is necessary now. I'm grateful that usually this is a small thing, short lived and fairly rare.
But a while back, something caused the resistance to really kick in. Too many challenges in several life arenas hit at once- more than I felt ready or willing to tackle anymore. I was weary. Overwhelm struck. Shut down.
Resistance reared it's head in my business, in a mythic way. I was astounded that whatever I tried simply seemed to lead to the same stark wall.
First, I had just consciously decided to take a hiatus to handle other stuff of life that was flying around. When it came time to get back to my business, I was like an engine with no starter. Like a car with no gas. Like a bonfire with merely ashes left. I stirred and stirred the remains, looking for an ember to blossom into flame. Nothing. It went on for weeks. I felt like a fraud, and I felt heart broken.
What happened to my brightly burning fire? Or was it never there, just delusions, dreams? It's kind of amazing to what degree the mind can make up such thoughts. (I remind my clients, "Don't trust every thought you think!")
There are all the things I know about renewal, and the cycling of the seasons, of change and how life moves: winter's fallow time, etc. Did all my WISDOM serve to bring me HOME, to abide with patience and trust in my calling? I'll admit, I suspected not. It felt that "over." Kaput.
Then several things happened. Like tinder, fuel and a helpful presence all arriving to the rescue. Where did I encounter this heroic presence? In my heart.
If you've ever felt that empty, maybe this poem will help you out...
"Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out."
Only afterwards, in retrospect, that time, did I "get" that this is what happened. After going to that deep place of despair and self judgement over all the nonsense of my supposed dead end, I found something remarkable revealed: My own reviling. This was the shaking out.
Something caught my eye and suddenly I slammed into the wall. The recognition of what it felt like, really was, was unavoidable. I'd fallen into reawakened, ancient, and what I thought were long dead bad habits. Low level negative self talk suddenly blared before my eyes and into my ears, when
I saw these words jump out at me from a book cover:
Suddenly what I'd previously been aware of, with quiet, though real, discomfort, was no longer hidden. This depth of self disparagement was absolute cognitive dissonance for me.
So much deep and purposeful healing work had freed me from those oh so harmful, youthful, mistaken ways. But there it was.
The poem from Hafiz says it all: It was a gift. Remnants needed to be dumped out, opened up and witnessed for what they were, before I was ready to move in freedom again.
Freedom came, with a simplicity just like life. There is nothing. Plain, warm brown earth. Then there is a green powerful seedling in the sun. It seems sudden, but is not.
My daily practice now is not exactly more loving than before, but it is so much more potent. Because I am bringing my own heart into the center of the circle of Love to which I always am committed and giving voice.
Love for self, Love for the simple raw cells that sing my experience- hurts and brilliance of the days, Love for what it is this one has chosen to express, Appreciation for this one singular human expression.
I love myself in simple acts, consciously creating the container that contains each day:
My own being must be first. I literally make note of simple acts of love as I make them, blueberry smoothee, a moment to absorb the sunlight and feed these cells. Standing up when I have worked too long without moving. Stretching, just 10 minutes...
Very simple things. Do them with love. For you, so precious, you.
Suddenly, there's no resistance. Flow is everywhere when Love is welcomed in. Open the door.
Be the sunlight on your own skin. Kiss yourself with that kind of potent, gentle power. Without your heart and presence being truly loved- by you, you may not ever become the powerful giver of true love you were born to express.
*NOTE* This is part of a series on this season of change, releasing and renewal. Thank you for your beautiful attention. Feel free to comment, please...
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